...sometimes you just have to get things out by doing a little rambling...
Do you ever have one of those days when you just feel guilty because you aren't doing enough? The last couple weeks have really been weighing me down. I can't believe my little Landon is going to be a year and a half next month! Where has time gone? I mean really? and what have I DONE with that time. I feel like I've wasted it doing nothing! I've had a really hard time dealing with the demands of 2 kids, and heck, its ONLY TWO kids! I feel like I'm not spending enough one on one time with Landon playing with him and interacting with him and just teaching him the simple things. I look back at to when Madilyn was 18 months. She seemed so much more grown up in every way. I know all kids are different. But I feel like I'm not giving Landon the same opportunities that Madilyn had. Sometimes, I'll sit back at look at Landon and I'm just amazed at how grown up he really is getting! I remember being frustrated that Madilyn was always on the go and couldn't keep her attention focused on one thing for very long...which I know is expected. But Landon. HOLY COW! I seriously cannot keep him under control! Making mess after mess...and no, NOT with his toys! He know exactly what he is not allowed to play with and I spend my days chasing him out of mess out of mess. Leaving me with the messes to clean up, frustrated because I can't handle my own 1 year old, exhausted from doing absolutely NOTHING, constantly getting after him, and discouraged because I'm so worn out I don't have the energy to accomplish anything else, let alone interact with him! I look at other moms and wonder HOW they can do it with 3, 4, even 5 kids or TWINS! I expected to have my kids all about 2 years about...but NO, this enlarging figure is not due to another addition! I can't handle the two I have! I want to enjoy my time as a stay at home wife and mother. I'm not ready to add another one to this chaos! I always feel guilty when Ron wants to take Landon to work with him, even though he offers and Landon loves it, but I'm so relieved I'm getting a little break! I always think, that if I can just get myself organized and on a schedule my days would run smoother. If I could just pick up after myself I wouldn't have the stress a messy house brings to me. I'm really REALLY good at making plans and schedules, but I NEVER follow through with them bringing even more discouragement because I lack self-discipline! In my mind I have the perfect scenario of how the should run. A clean house, playing with my kids, dinner on the table, surprising my husband with treats. It shouldn't be that difficult! I get overwhelmed just getting through the everyday tasks that I can't enjoy them!